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Thursday, March 31, 2011

N2MEUC: Working my way out of conditioned compliance

Compliance: 1. the act or process of complying to a desire, demand, or proposal, or to coercion. b: conformity in fulfilling official requirements 2:disposition to yield to others 3: the ability of an object to yield elastically when a force is applied: Flexibility

I discovered I become angry when I comply. It has taken me years to identify what I am doing. There are times when my husband asks me to do something for him or to take care of some household task and I do it (sullenly). I didn't like how I would feel. My feelings did not make sense to me. After observing myself during several similar incidences I discovered that I was perceiving demands and believing that he was pushing me around. This scenerio in my mind put me in a bind. My inner story is "I have to..." ( do something that should be done or something because someone has asked, expects, or demands).

I respond with a "I have to " to certain situations. My inner story is that I lose my freedom. I get angry or resentful about losing my freedom ... anyone would!

I also interpret most interuptions as demands (with the associated accompanying loss of freedom, anger, and resentment) It has taken years for me to get that this perception and emotional drama is of my creation, and is not being done to me.

In my childhood, I learned (judged, decided) that is was safer to comply and feel the anger inside than not comply and experience the anger from a parent directed towards me with the accompanying threat of punishment.

So I came to associate requests with anger. Additionally, when I had a request of my parents or paternal grandparents, often the request was met with anger and resentment. I got the vibe from them of "go away" or I will do this because you are there and are bothering me. Doing this is a bother. I resent it.

I was 53 when I put all this together.

I recall that arguements went along the lines of "you have no reason to say no, or no earthly reason to say no. You have no reason to refuse. "

Logic and reason VS emotion.

 From my study of NVC (nonviolent communication)
 I learned to ask what need am I fulfilling in the contemplation of my relationship to compliance: The answer arose in me " I am fulfilling my need for understanding "No" . This is about respect and autonomy.

American socialization teaches value of the  struggle to control emotions in order to gain compliance.  (Compliance to something imposed from outside the individual experiencing "no")

Friday, March 18, 2011

Book Review "Sexual Healing" by Paul Persall, Phd

I am preparing to create learning experiences on relationships ( body connection, sensuality, communication, etc).

This book I has been unread on my book case for 8 years or so. The subtitle is "Using the power of an intimate, loving relationship to heal your body and soul".
The author studies the immune system. The book is full of reference to scientific studies and the observations of other people. He defines 5 styles of basic styles of sexual relating and the brain chemical associated with each on. The healing style is "Bonding" with the chemical oxytocin.

I am learning from reviewing my sexual/relationship history through the prism of this book.