N2MEUC: Working my way out of conditioned compliance

Compliance: 1. the act or process of complying to a desire, demand, or proposal, or to coercion. b: conformity in fulfilling official requirements 2:disposition to yield to others 3: the ability of an object to yield elastically when a force is applied: Flexibility

I discovered I become angry when I comply. It has taken me years to identify what I am doing. There are times when my husband asks me to do something for him or to take care of some household task and I do it (sullenly). I didn't like how I would feel. My feelings did not make sense to me. After observing myself during several similar incidences I discovered that I was perceiving demands and believing that he was pushing me around. This scenerio in my mind put me in a bind. My inner story is "I have to..." ( do something that should be done or something because someone has asked, expects, or demands).

I respond with a "I have to " to certain situations. My inner story is that I lose my freedom. I get angry or resentful about losing my freedom ... anyone would!


I also interpret most interuptions as demands (with the associated accompanying loss of freedom, anger, and resentment) It has taken years for me to get that this perception and emotional drama is of my creation, and is not being done to me.

In my childhood, I learned (judged, decided) that is was safer to comply and feel the anger inside than not comply and experience the anger from a parent directed towards me with the accompanying threat of punishment.

So I came to associate requests with anger. Additionally, when I had a request of my parents or paternal grandparents, often the request was met with anger and resentment. I got the vibe from them of "go away" or I will do this because you are there and are bothering me. Doing this is a bother. I resent it.

I was 53 when I put all this together.

I recall that arguements went along the lines of "you have no reason to say no, or no earthly reason to say no. You have no reason to refuse. "

Logic and reason VS emotion.

 From my study of NVC (nonviolent communication)  https://www.cnvc.org/
 I learned to ask what need am I fulfilling in the contemplation of my relationship to compliance: The answer arose in me " I am fulfilling my need for understanding "No" . This is about respect and autonomy.

American socialization teaches value of the  struggle to control emotions in order to gain compliance.  (Compliance to something imposed from outside the individual experiencing "no")

Book Review "Sexual Healing" by Paul Persall, Phd

I am preparing to create learning experiences on relationships ( body connection, sensuality, communication, etc).

This book I has been unread on my book case for 8 years or so. The subtitle is "Using the power of an intimate, loving relationship to heal your body and soul".
The author studies the immune system. The book is full of reference to scientific studies and the observations of other people. He defines 5 styles of basic styles of sexual relating and the brain chemical associated with each on. The healing style is "Bonding" with the chemical oxytocin.

I am learning from reviewing my sexual/relationship history through the prism of this book.

TROUBLE TREE INTO CULINARY MUSHROOMS: ADVICE FOR YOUR URBAN HOMESTEAD

Do you have a healthy tree you need to trim back or cut down?
Did you know that you might be able to grow culinary mushrooms on small logs taken from limbs or small trees or on the stump, or in wood chips made from the tree?

The first step is to know the tree is healthy. Is it's bark free of big black lumps and wood pecker holes?

If the bark looks healthy, determine what kind of tree it is. Then go to the website of
The Mushroom People

and see if there is a kind of mushroom you can grow on your tree.

If the answer is yes, in February or March, trim your tree or cut your tree down before the leaves come out while the buds are swollen. At this time, the sap has a lot of nutrients in it that will get the culinary mushrooms off to a good start, out-competing any "weed" mushroom spores that happen to land on your mushroom logs or stump or wood chip pile.
Read  the website or talk to the folks at the Mushroom people about what you have and the best method for inoculation.

From Scratch Cooking - Slaw Dressing For Winter Eating

 In today's entry you can get info on cooking, egg laying, and homegrown/locally grown fresh winter foods.

I love mayonnaise and other dressings that have creamy texture. Unfortunately, I have food allergies that keep me from eating many commercially prepared "mayo" and other salad dressings. 
I had been purchasing an inexpensive nonorganic  canola oil based mayo from Whole Foods, but felt increasingly uncomfortable with the likelihood that the canola oil was pressed from GMO rape seed.

I can go through a quart of mayo in  less than a week. Today, disturbed by the thought of consuming so  much GMO canola oil, I made my own mayo substitute for my cole slaw.

I have enough experience cooking and browsing  old cook books  over the years that I can satisfy my gourmet cook/eater without having to go to the trouble of finding a specific recipe. 

Creamy dressings are usually made of oil, vinegar/ and/ or lemon juice and egg or some kind of thickening agent such as xanthan gum or guar gum. Xanthan gum is out for me because it is corn based, and  I am allergic to corn .

Here is how tonight's concocting went:

Goal: mayo to chop locally grown organic carrots and cabbage and (don't know where it came from) parsley into with my food processor to make 2 big servings of slaw.

I took a 7 inch diameter heavy bottom sauce pan. Into the sauce pan I poured  a big puddle of grape seed oil ( any kind of healthy oil OK for cooking is fine). I gently heated the oil on medium low.

Into the warm oil, I stirred prepared mustard and a dash of Braggs liquid aminos (anything for seasoning that will either dissolve or have acceptable texture for salad dressing is fine). 

Into the now seasoned oil I stirred in one raw egg (locally laid). I added about 1/4 tsp of guar gum powder to ensure a nice thickness. (any thickener can be used, including flour from wheat, rice, tapioca, chick peas ... any thing that is finely ground and will absorb oil and water.)

I cooked the egg mixture gently by stirring frequently and adjusting the heat so that the mixture  looked smooth. The end result was creamy and smooth and yummy! Now I had my slaw dressing which fits the definition of mayonnaise.

I chopped 2 small carrots and a Tablespoon of fresh parsley in my food processor. Then added coarsely chopped fresh raw cabbage. I used the machine to make the slaw pieces small. I had more ingredients than would fit at once in the little 8 ounce bowl. So I removed the finely chopped cabbage/carrots/parsley mix to another container and set it  aside and finished chopping the remainder along with my just made mayo (when it cooled off enough to put in a plastic food chopper bowl!). 

Finely chopped ingredients take less volume, so  I did manage to fit it all into the small chopper bowl  at once, getting  the  creamy slaw all chopped and mixed together.

I certainly enjoyed eating my raw vegetables as slaw tonight, with no thoughts of ingesting more GMO's. It is nice to know what you are eating and FEEL GOOD about it and have your body feel good (as opposed to vaguely or not so vaguely "off")

As an advocate for eating locally grown food, I want to point out that cabbage can be harvested during late fall, early winter and stored. Same with carrots. Also, carrots maybe harvested during the winter. They might need some freeze protection. Parsley can take the bitter cold, too. 

Chickens tend to slow their egg laying as the days shorten. They can have their inner clocks fooled into greater egg production, however, by giving them a few hours of artificial light.  Nature does give them a rest from egg laying with the hens' natural response to decrease/ or temporarily stop egg production during the cold months. 

Simple increase in positivity

The past few weeks, I been gently nudged to use computer time writing more and reading less.  This is what I wrote following this guidance.  I came to this blank blog page not knowing what I would write.
Here is what came out of me:

I wish something would be channeled. I do not want to get a headache over this. I do not want it to be hard.

There are the negatives. Reframe to positive. 
I want to enjoy doing this I want to gain energy doing this. I want it to feed me. I want it to be easy.
Now make affirmations of the above statements:
I enjoy writing. I feel good about writing. My writing develops me and helps develop others. I enjoy writing. Writing energizes me. I know when to end my writing session.

I wonder about doing a written exercise or speaking exercise where I develop affirmations as preparing myself for more of my everyday activities.

I know I will raise my vibrations if I go about my day in this manner.

I feel happy and clear now.

January Fun with Autumn Harvested Mutt WInter Squash

I save seeds and don't keep labels straight. Or maybe it was the pollinators fault and the seeds I planted were not pure bred anyway. The larger winter squash varieties (including pumpkin) are vigorous growers, once they get going. They can grow fast enough to survive the hungry onslaughts of ground hogs and deer ... with some help from me to do some discouraging of those mammals.  These growing outside the garden fence help entertain the unwanted eaters and reduce the likelihood of them getting in the garden. And I usually get some fruit out of the deal. I found out that the squash fruit can heal from bites from the deer. The fruit scabs over.


This one has been in a cool room in the house (temperature range between 50 and 60 degrees F) since it was brought indoors late October, before the killing frost.

Here is the squash cut in half:

on the most green outside you can see light brown scars from animal bites

Humm, from the above photo, the size is unclear.

Here is another picture with a frame of reference.

 The depth doesn't show. I held a half over my belly and looked 6 month pregnant.

This squash is a "womb" with lots of umbilical cords! One leading to each and every seed! See next photo:

Most of the seeds are hidden under the strands (umbilical cords).
Black and white was good to shoot the next photo in:

AND here is a gross up, uh, that is close up of that hand full of seeds.

And here is one more, in color with most of the goo washed off:

EATING AND PRESERVING THIS BIG SQUASH
One half went onto a sheet of freezer paper to cover the cut side and into the extra refrigerator in the basement.
One half got 3/4 processed or eaten. Some was cut into 1/2 x 1 inch cubes, steamed and buttered. Some was cut into 1x1/2x 4 inch strips and gently browned in olive oil. Some was cut up into bite sized chunks or long strips, steamed and placed on a cookie sheet and placed in the deep freeze. I am allergic to wheat, so these frozen chunks will be my "pasta"  to include in stir fries or to top salads later.

Goofy looking stringy parts and irregular chunks were cooked down with some cranberry and apricot in a low water pot. That will be combined with rice flour and egg and be cooked as a pudding later. All the previously mentioned winter squash flesh had been peeled. The green peels are so tender and thin that I chopped them up and will make whey based kimchee from them.

In addition to this midwinter eating, I enjoyed immature squash back in the fall.
The blossoms are edible too. They do not have much of a taste, but they do add color to salads.

BIG POTTED GARDEN VEGGIES LIVING IN MY BEDROOM

Early winter weather had been mild five Decembers prior to 2010, making growing cool weather veggies a delightful experience. This is a plus that Climate Change brings. 

December 2010 was harsh with temperatures dipping down into the single digits. Abnormal weather extremes are thought to be a part of Climate Change.  The nice big green house usually available was unusable due to incomplete rebuilding. These plants were in pots for portability. They were to be examples  at a talk I was supposed to give on December 13th. (The event was canceled due to freezing precipitation in the forecast.)

Cold hardy plants are OK with their leaves freezing, but  they will die if  their roots freeze.  Since these were in pots and not in the ground,  they were at risk for freezing if left outdoors. So, I brought them in and they have managed to survive and grow a little under one screw-in type fluorescent bulb. A few leaves have been harvested every few days  for a small  fresh picked salad. The plants are  swiss chard, chinese cabbage, pok choi, and two other Asian varieties, their name forgotten for the time being. 

These plants were started  from seed in mid September. They would have been up to three times as big if they had spent their entire lives with their roots in the ground outdoors. The seed came from some local stores that carry a nice selection of seed for fall harvest. (By the calendar, winter starts on the solstice, which occurs December 20 or 21st.)

The presence of these plants seem to be helping me sleep better at night.  Plants use CO2 and exhale O2. So these green living things are adding quality to the air in my bedroom.

I sleep with my head under a tented sleeping bag.  I used to get kinda smothery feeling under there. I notice the absence of that feeling of not enough air since the plants have been sharing the room with me. 

"Why does she sleep with her head under the covers?" you may be wondering.

I do not have curtains in my room because I like to be awakened by the early morning sun. Neighbors have a light that shines into the window, annoying me; and the room gets chilly. The sleeping bag provides darkness and warmth.

From now on, I will have some kind of plants in my bedroom to improve the air quality and my sleep.