N2MEUC : Apathy masking Fear Generated by Unmet Needs

There are two or more kinds of "I am not interested".  One is an authentic lack of attraction. Another one is apathy or denial of need. Type can be distinquished by qualities or atitudes. Authentic lack of attraction is associated with one or more: alertness, balance, competance,vitality, and other qualities of aliveness. The other is associated with one or more: boredom, apathy, irritation, compulsion, obsession, fault finding and blame and other bad feeling signals of unmet need or needs.

In Western society, deeply meaningful or deeply fulfilling encounters are mostly accidental or perhaps considered fated. Many are fueled by hormones in the service of perpetuating DNA. (And a whole lot of encounters which leave a LOT to be desired are fueled by reproductive hormones.)

Due to ignorance and lack of experience, people are limited in their connecting ability. Connecting in a broader range of circumstances and at different levels can be learned. This connection is experienced as meaningful and fulfilling.  Connection can be cultivated and/or expressed intentionally through touch, breath, words, sounds, awareness, gaze and by directing and receiving energy. 


I have the impression that many so called primitive societies had cultures that were vastly superior to ours in supporting rich, vibrant relationships among the people. Everybody's interpersonal needs were more fully met than in our society. The North American Natives have a wonderful saying "All my Relations" inclusive of all two leggeds, animals, and the spirit world and the Creator. Those cultures had more "Soul", more "Presence".

So back to apathy masking fear generated by unmet needs.
Humans need safety, body connection, understanding, to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted. This is known instinctively by some people. There are studies verifying all these things for those who want to know what science says. Experiences that contain the qualities mentioned above have been scientifically demonstrated to help our immune systems as well as to enhance our abilities to handle challenges in life.


The Apathy can be seen as our old hurts trying to protect us from reexperiencing old pain. Our fears of being hurt or being left with bad feelings urge us to not take risks. Our desire for more richness in relating urges us to look for or create opportunities.  We can learn how to create richness of connection and learn how to reestablish broken connection.

Cindy MoonRose, Martin Holsinger, and Anna Moore through Enlightening Adventures in Meditative Intimacy are offering learning experiences. Go to this website to sign up for annoucements of events

N2MEUC : Handling The Collision of Desired Experience with Fears from the Past

In the past,  pain of loneliness  drove me to establish or maintain connections with people.  These days, discontent, which is easier to ignore, signals my need for human relationships. I guess that most/all of us have had people experiences that can be rated from terrible to mediocre to good to ecstatic and shades in between.  I experience a tug of war between fear and desire during all the stages, deciding, planning, or waiting for arrival, of  getting together with one or more people.

At this point in my life, I repeatedly work to bring myself out of the fear and into remembering and having good feeling anticipation (instead of anxiety or bad feeling anticipation or apathy).

During the time period between setting the date for the first Enlightening Adventures in Meditative Intimacy and the arrival of the date, the clamor of fearful inner voices gets so big than I almost decide to cancel the event and walk away. However,  encouraging voices remind me to recall the vision that started Enlightening Adventures in Meditative Intimacy and all the deepening wonderful experiences this venture promises.  

Again and again, a voice (an idea) interjects into the fear to remind me to remember what I want. I use methods to move from fear into happy anticipation and happy preparation of the upcoming people event.
The methods are breath; appreciate the reminder; remember good times from the past and the associated good feelings/vibration/energy; remember that I want more in the future. And I go investigate the fears, because they may hold a step I need to take to make the event better or me better for the event.

AND, I am reminded to trust Spirit to bring people who love what we are offering and that we love the Presence they offer.  AND, that once I am facilitating and being at an event I can BE at the event and  rejoice the success afterwards as my personal history reminds me.

N2MEUC: Working my way out of conditioned compliance

Compliance: 1. the act or process of complying to a desire, demand, or proposal, or to coercion. b: conformity in fulfilling official requirements 2:disposition to yield to others 3: the ability of an object to yield elastically when a force is applied: Flexibility

I discovered I become angry when I comply. It has taken me years to identify what I am doing. There are times when my husband asks me to do something for him or to take care of some household task and I do it (sullenly). I didn't like how I would feel. My feelings did not make sense to me. After observing myself during several similar incidences I discovered that I was perceiving demands and believing that he was pushing me around. This scenerio in my mind put me in a bind. My inner story is "I have to..." ( do something that should be done or something because someone has asked, expects, or demands).

I respond with a "I have to " to certain situations. My inner story is that I lose my freedom. I get angry or resentful about losing my freedom ... anyone would!


I also interpret most interuptions as demands (with the associated accompanying loss of freedom, anger, and resentment) It has taken years for me to get that this perception and emotional drama is of my creation, and is not being done to me.

In my childhood, I learned (judged, decided) that is was safer to comply and feel the anger inside than not comply and experience the anger from a parent directed towards me with the accompanying threat of punishment.

So I came to associate requests with anger. Additionally, when I had a request of my parents or paternal grandparents, often the request was met with anger and resentment. I got the vibe from them of "go away" or I will do this because you are there and are bothering me. Doing this is a bother. I resent it.

I was 53 when I put all this together.

I recall that arguements went along the lines of "you have no reason to say no, or no earthly reason to say no. You have no reason to refuse. "

Logic and reason VS emotion.

 From my study of NVC (nonviolent communication)  https://www.cnvc.org/
 I learned to ask what need am I fulfilling in the contemplation of my relationship to compliance: The answer arose in me " I am fulfilling my need for understanding "No" . This is about respect and autonomy.

American socialization teaches value of the  struggle to control emotions in order to gain compliance.  (Compliance to something imposed from outside the individual experiencing "no")

Book Review "Sexual Healing" by Paul Persall, Phd

I am preparing to create learning experiences on relationships ( body connection, sensuality, communication, etc).

This book I has been unread on my book case for 8 years or so. The subtitle is "Using the power of an intimate, loving relationship to heal your body and soul".
The author studies the immune system. The book is full of reference to scientific studies and the observations of other people. He defines 5 styles of basic styles of sexual relating and the brain chemical associated with each on. The healing style is "Bonding" with the chemical oxytocin.

I am learning from reviewing my sexual/relationship history through the prism of this book.

TROUBLE TREE INTO CULINARY MUSHROOMS: ADVICE FOR YOUR URBAN HOMESTEAD

Do you have a healthy tree you need to trim back or cut down?
Did you know that you might be able to grow culinary mushrooms on small logs taken from limbs or small trees or on the stump, or in wood chips made from the tree?

The first step is to know the tree is healthy. Is it's bark free of big black lumps and wood pecker holes?

If the bark looks healthy, determine what kind of tree it is. Then go to the website of
The Mushroom People

and see if there is a kind of mushroom you can grow on your tree.

If the answer is yes, in February or March, trim your tree or cut your tree down before the leaves come out while the buds are swollen. At this time, the sap has a lot of nutrients in it that will get the culinary mushrooms off to a good start, out-competing any "weed" mushroom spores that happen to land on your mushroom logs or stump or wood chip pile.
Read  the website or talk to the folks at the Mushroom people about what you have and the best method for inoculation.

From Scratch Cooking - Slaw Dressing For Winter Eating

 In today's entry you can get info on cooking, egg laying, and homegrown/locally grown fresh winter foods.

I love mayonnaise and other dressings that have creamy texture. Unfortunately, I have food allergies that keep me from eating many commercially prepared "mayo" and other salad dressings. 
I had been purchasing an inexpensive nonorganic  canola oil based mayo from Whole Foods, but felt increasingly uncomfortable with the likelihood that the canola oil was pressed from GMO rape seed.

I can go through a quart of mayo in  less than a week. Today, disturbed by the thought of consuming so  much GMO canola oil, I made my own mayo substitute for my cole slaw.

I have enough experience cooking and browsing  old cook books  over the years that I can satisfy my gourmet cook/eater without having to go to the trouble of finding a specific recipe. 

Creamy dressings are usually made of oil, vinegar/ and/ or lemon juice and egg or some kind of thickening agent such as xanthan gum or guar gum. Xanthan gum is out for me because it is corn based, and  I am allergic to corn .

Here is how tonight's concocting went:

Goal: mayo to chop locally grown organic carrots and cabbage and (don't know where it came from) parsley into with my food processor to make 2 big servings of slaw.

I took a 7 inch diameter heavy bottom sauce pan. Into the sauce pan I poured  a big puddle of grape seed oil ( any kind of healthy oil OK for cooking is fine). I gently heated the oil on medium low.

Into the warm oil, I stirred prepared mustard and a dash of Braggs liquid aminos (anything for seasoning that will either dissolve or have acceptable texture for salad dressing is fine). 

Into the now seasoned oil I stirred in one raw egg (locally laid). I added about 1/4 tsp of guar gum powder to ensure a nice thickness. (any thickener can be used, including flour from wheat, rice, tapioca, chick peas ... any thing that is finely ground and will absorb oil and water.)

I cooked the egg mixture gently by stirring frequently and adjusting the heat so that the mixture  looked smooth. The end result was creamy and smooth and yummy! Now I had my slaw dressing which fits the definition of mayonnaise.

I chopped 2 small carrots and a Tablespoon of fresh parsley in my food processor. Then added coarsely chopped fresh raw cabbage. I used the machine to make the slaw pieces small. I had more ingredients than would fit at once in the little 8 ounce bowl. So I removed the finely chopped cabbage/carrots/parsley mix to another container and set it  aside and finished chopping the remainder along with my just made mayo (when it cooled off enough to put in a plastic food chopper bowl!). 

Finely chopped ingredients take less volume, so  I did manage to fit it all into the small chopper bowl  at once, getting  the  creamy slaw all chopped and mixed together.

I certainly enjoyed eating my raw vegetables as slaw tonight, with no thoughts of ingesting more GMO's. It is nice to know what you are eating and FEEL GOOD about it and have your body feel good (as opposed to vaguely or not so vaguely "off")

As an advocate for eating locally grown food, I want to point out that cabbage can be harvested during late fall, early winter and stored. Same with carrots. Also, carrots maybe harvested during the winter. They might need some freeze protection. Parsley can take the bitter cold, too. 

Chickens tend to slow their egg laying as the days shorten. They can have their inner clocks fooled into greater egg production, however, by giving them a few hours of artificial light.  Nature does give them a rest from egg laying with the hens' natural response to decrease/ or temporarily stop egg production during the cold months. 

Simple increase in positivity

The past few weeks, I been gently nudged to use computer time writing more and reading less.  This is what I wrote following this guidance.  I came to this blank blog page not knowing what I would write.
Here is what came out of me:

I wish something would be channeled. I do not want to get a headache over this. I do not want it to be hard.

There are the negatives. Reframe to positive. 
I want to enjoy doing this I want to gain energy doing this. I want it to feed me. I want it to be easy.
Now make affirmations of the above statements:
I enjoy writing. I feel good about writing. My writing develops me and helps develop others. I enjoy writing. Writing energizes me. I know when to end my writing session.

I wonder about doing a written exercise or speaking exercise where I develop affirmations as preparing myself for more of my everyday activities.

I know I will raise my vibrations if I go about my day in this manner.

I feel happy and clear now.